Applebee's is Officially Solid

I saw this segment with Kenny Mayne and Marhsawn Lynch about two Sundays ago. I have been waiting for it to get on youtube ever since. Marshawn is awesome. He loves the decor...and the ambience! Yet Willis McGahee wasn't far off when he said the women of Buffalo had broken faces. That lady Marshawn was DanceDanceRevolutionizing with...uuugggghhh. Anyway, moral of the story is...I need one of those soda shooter things.

Happy Halloween Ragnar, Act I

Scene i: Sanity's Abatement. Ragnar the Viking and Brett Favre conversing mid-field amid the hustle and bustle of post-Monday Night Football.

Ragnar: What an amazing game Brett, hey could you do me a favor?

Brett: Sure thing Ragnar.

Ragnar: Could you keep it on the D.L. that I was here? I just don't want the Vikings to know I was at your Monday Night Football game.

Brett: No problem Ragnar.

Ragnar: Wow, you played incredibly. You just give me so much inspiration Brett. I mean, I totally thought my life was finished after I almost O.D.'d on Flomax. Ever since then I have tried following in your footsteps, you know, I look up to you so much for how you handled your addiction problems (starts to tear up)...I just love...how much fun you have on that field. At your age! Goodness! (starts bawling) I just wish I was like you Brett. You invigorate me...

Brett: Uh...Hey cheer up pal. I'm sure you can deal with whatever it is you're going through. Why don't you go home and see your wife, Ragnar? What was her name...

Ragnar: Bolgmore.
Brett: Bolgmore, that's right.

Ragnar: Brett, you don't understand. I just get so much...pleasure out of watching you play. (glances down at Brett's mouth as he gets closer) I neeed it.

Brett: (backing away uncomfortably) Hey pal, thanks for coming to the game and everything, but I'm going to go now.

Ragnar: (holding on tightly to Brett's arm, so as not to let him leave) NO! Brett! I need you! We need...each other!

Brett: (slips away using his antidiluvian athleticism and sprints to the locker room)

Ragnar: NOOOOOO!!!!!!! (crying on his knees in the middle of the field) You...you were...supposed to tell me....what to be for Halloweeeeeeeeeeheheheheeeeeen!!!!! (throws his head violently back and stares crazily into the sky) I will! I will see you on All Hallow's Eve Brett. Then. Then we will be forever consummated. Our souls in an infinitely bottomless chasm of unalterable love cyclones. I need. A Halloween costume Brett. I neeeeeed it. (quickly grabs his axe and disappears into the huge crowd on the field)

Greg the Camera Man: (having filmed the entire thing) Holy goochbasket. That was the weirdest fuckin' thing I. have. ever. seen. (looking around in amazement) Did...any one else see that? There is no way no one else saw that! (thinking to himself) I wonder what Ragnar's going to do to Brett. I better warn him...just in case Ragnar wants to like...butthurt Brett or something. (jogs quickly to car).

[Act II Halloween night]

A Lost Legend

Shawn Kemp, Gary Payton, and the Seattle Supersonics during the 90's were a consistently daunting force in the Western Conference. Shawn Kemp used to strike fear in the hearts of opposing defenders. Even Hall of Famers such as Charles Barkley could find no solution to The Reign Man's combination of eagle wings and bear arms.

After losing to Michael Jordan's Chicago Bulls in the 1996 NBA Finals in six games, Shawn Kemp demanded a new contract that wouldn't pay him substantially less than his inferior teammates. After being traded to the Cleveland Cavaliers due to friction with management over contract negotiations things went downhill:
The once tyrannical play of Shawn declined as he lost control of his weight due in part to his addiction to cocaine and abuse of alcohol. Unaware of the existence of birth control he fathered seven children with six different women. He was arrested in 2005 and 2006 for various drug and weapon possession charges. Yet on a lighter note, Shawn Kemp is attempting a comeback and many teams are interested mainly because he is back to the weight of his All-Star days.

Don't think The Reign Man didn't know what he was doing when he went through all those paternity suits:
Ladies and Gentlemen, Shawn Kemp Jr.
Daddy Reign knew that when Shawn Jr.'s NBA contract came around, Pops would get a little on the side.

Weekly Sweet Ass Name

Dwayne Missouri. Whoa. Truly a name of mythical proportions. While he only had a short stint in the NFL with the Baltimore Ravens and Dallas Cowboys, he blew my mind with one of the coolest names I've ever heard. He's currently probably owning the Arena Football League with his strong will, and merciless attitude towards injustice. He should be a sheriff. "Sheriff Missouri don't take no unpowdered donuts! Feel it?" That's what he says because sheriffs don't have to do much these days other than eat donuts. I wanted to be his deputy but he said "Dwayne Missouri fights the powers of evil bare handed." I believed him.

Oh...yeah

The Boston Red Sox swept the Colorado Rockies. Only further proving that God loves his irony. The Colorado Rockies are vehemently all over God's Balls. What does the Almighty do to his most devoted MLB team? He gives them a miraculous 21 of 22 games, and an all too holy playoff run all the way into the World Series. The Rockies then proceeded to be blasphemously bible-slapped by the barbarous Boston Red Sox. Great.

What God granted me (and that is really all that matters) is a swift subtle ending to baseball. I truly do thank God for retiring Barry Bonds so that I will never have to watch anything else about his gay homerun countdown. Yes, gay. No more top 10 plays of some fruit basket catching a piece of fruit in a wide open field without anybody else trying to remove his face while he does it (yes I called a baseball a piece of fruit). Now all sports media outlets can concentrate on what is really important: Football. God's Linebacker can finally get all the attention he needs from His Holiness.

You Know! That Man Who Tried to Jump Off The Thing for the Cash!

The NBA regular season starts tomorrow and although recent NBA seasons/post-seasons haven't been anywhere near enthralling (at least for LA fans), there is something fantastic to look forward to this year. We have all known and loved "Starbury" throughout his All-Star NBA career, yet I'm not sure any of us really knew the man behind the fifteen dollar shoes.

When one thinks of Stephon Marbury, what first comes to mind? When I think of Starbury I think of a selfish point guard who has never been successful in the post season. Imagine my wonderment when I found out he's the craziest person ever to attempt to disguise himself as a rational coherent person who might answer a question with a semblance of relevance.

I believe Stephon has actually found something that allows him to be free of all the external unnecessaries in this world.
That video blows my mind. Everytime. His mind has been cleared and he has to build new memories. Do you know how hard that is? Amazing.

This video is long but if you enjoyed the last one you know what to do.

Boy, I wouldn't have understood a word without that black translator. Although, I could understand the asshat opposite the African-American that was apparantly manufactured in California. They believe he's either drinking heavily before each interview and then seeing what happens, or escaping what most consider reality with methamphetamines or tranquilizers. Probably tranquilizers.

Stephon may not make sense to us but who cares when he says things like "Man, money makes you do crazy things...I'm talking about that man who tried to jump off the thing for the cash." Will anyone ever know what that means?

No matter what anyone says I'm happy for him. I'm happy he can hold back his happy tears when he kisses his namesake. By namesake I mean Stephon, Stephanie, Stephon. His name is like his sister's but his is slightly different because he is a man. A man of God.

This season is going to be great.

The Importance of Being Earnest

I'm going to be frank for a moment, no not Frank Caliendo, sorry to disappoint. I wish my livelihood was based upon the mimicking of a mentally deteriorating old man.

As I was saying, I have been keeping quiet about this for a while but I know what NFL teams need to do to salvage their seasons. New Orleans is still drowning and San Diego is all on fire. Everytime something tragic happens to a city, the team members fight harder than ever before for the fading memories of their H2's and box-like Mercedes. Not only do I think Marty Schottenheimer's plan to burn down San Diego backfired but I think more head coaches should start thinking outside the proverbial box. Here's some advice for struggling NFL head coaches to utilize this season:

1. Minnesota Vikings: Head coach Brad Childress, crucify Adrian Peterson. Have the entire team turn on him during practice and stone him to near death. Nail his hands and feet to a cross. The city can rally around that. Probably as a bonus he'll come back from the dead and win the Superbowl as the Maroon Messiah. That's Purple Jesus' undead alter-ego. Don't think he doesn't have one.

2. San Francisco 49ers: Keep starting Trent Dilfer until Alex Smith comes back, then everything will be fine. Also, hire a head coach who thinks he's the President of the United States. Oh, wait.

3. Atlanta Falcons: Have Arthur Blank host a banquet for the White People of Atlanta (It's a club) and at the end of their meals tell them they just ate dog meat and that they all probably have salmonella. Somehow this will lead to Atlanta Vick being in Prison Break. That's really all I want, just one episode.

4. Miami Dolphins: Don't go to London. They don't care, we don't care, lets just cancel it before this becomes a bigger deal than it needs to be. Oh, but blow up the Big Ben, that would be awesome.

5. St. Louis Rams: Don't have starting running back Stephen Jackson sign Nike deals with catchy slogans like "Leave Nothing." He might take them literally. (That was actual advice I'm sorry).

6. Cincinatti Bengals: Nice attempt at motivating the players Marvin Lewis, I like the "Black Coach on Crutches" bit. I would go with something a little less subtle. Trick defensive end Robert Geathers into sneaking into Trent Green's house and murdering him. The ensuing arrest will leave you no choice but to really put your foot down on the behavior situation and have Robert Geathers receive the death penalty. I guarantee after you kill one of your players, your team will be tighter than a well tuned battalion of United States marines. Also Marvin, after you kill your player make sure to say "Well that takes care of that." That's what you say after you kill somebody.

I sincerely apologize for everything I have written here.

No More Discord

My great friend started a blog of his own: No More Discord. It is fantastic. Concomitant with laughter. The Bees Knees even. The first post sets the perfect tone...genuis. I would love it if all three of you would read it. That wasn't a joke. There are literally three of you.

How Well Do You Know Your Athletes?

When you go to your stadium/field of choice to watch your favorite athletes play you may watch the game with a blissful ignorance of who these men really are. Some of you are more curious, like myself, and would like to know more about these supremely gifted men. If you could know who they really were...are you sure you would want to?

Mark HendricksonMe: Thanks a lot Mark for taking time out of your busy schedule for this interview.

Mark: Hrmph...

Me: Alllright. I'm really looking to find out who Mark Hendrickson really is. Why don't you just start off with some of your hobbies.

Mark: You got any brothers?

Me: Yes, but this interview was supposed to...

Mark: How old?

Me: Thirteen and eleven. I'd like it if you answered my quest...

Mark: Mmmmmmmm...That'll do...Where are they? I'll give 'em an, uhh, autograph, or something.

Me: Uh, are you okay?

Mark: What do you taste like?

Me: I'm gonna go ahead and call the police.

Mark: I wouldn't do that if I were you. I have friends on the force:Me: No. Fucking. Way. I JUST fuckin' watched "Deliverance" too. Goddamnit.

Gee, What a Great Concert

Homo: Gosh, that Foo Fighters concert sure was amazing. That Dave Grohl sure is one neat guy. The Foo Fighters are amazing because they're one of those few bands that was able to transition from the nineties to the...tens or the 00's, I dunno. You know what I mean Hal Sparks?

Hal: Yeah I know what you mean bro. Transitions like that are tough, like when I had to transition from doing I Love the 70's to I Love the 80's. No easy task bro.

Homo: Golly, I wonder why only the opening band, Metal Skool, wants to hang out with us? I mean I would have loved to hang out back stage with Dave Grohl, but I guess Metal Skool is nice right?

Hal: Yeah, I'm used to hanging out with the opening bands.

Homo: I can't tell ya how much fun it is hanging out with you Hal, you're a riot. I just wish my girlfriend would have come to the concert with us, she loves music. Golly she loves music. Gee. Golly.

Hal: You have a girlfriend bro?

Homo: Yeah! I told you like a thousand times Hal, I'm going out with Carrie Underwood.

Hal: Whatever bro, I'm gonna do some shots of those chicks' stomachs. (To the Metal Skool groupies) Hey Ladies! Do you guys watch VH1?

Homo: I'll show you Hal, I'll show you. Carrie loves me...for me.

Wow You Dumb

Minnesota Vikings' head coach Brad Childress is a big bald dumb guy. Purple Jesus (Adrian Peterson) ran for 4,578 yards and 17 touchdowns against the Chicago Bears. So what does Brad Childress do the next week in a pivotal game against arguably the best team in the NFC? He be'd sooooooo dumb. He gave the Mauve Martyr the ball twelve times. TWELVE. Our Violet Savior still ran for 65 yards and a touchdown.

Adrian Peterson won't get hurt Childress, 'member how jesus came back at easter? Well...I guess the football season doesn't last that long.

Weekly Sweet Ass Name

This week's sweet ass name is New York Giants' defensive end Adrian Awasom.With a name like Awasom there is so much potential for greatness, like in this case, that it usually remains unfulfilled. This name has so much power it cannot be harnessed even by a 6'5'' 280 pound man. He's not as awasom as his name indicates. I'm losing touch guys. That wasn't funny.

How to Cheat in the MLB, by Paul Byrd

Cleveland Indians pitcher Paul Byrd has admitted to using steroids. Here's the steps he used to try and get away with it:
1. Put own head in microwave until pituitary tumor develops.
2. Have dentist prescribe $25,000 worth of HGH.
3. Buy all steroids with own credit cards.
4. Once failure during ALCS is imminent, admit steroid use and hope everybody assumes you weren't cheating because you were doing it so blatantly.

Laser Jesus, This Sucks

For those of you that don't know, I've been recovering from kidney stones. Eating healthy, and drinking water has not been my motto for the past few years to say the least. I've been to a place of pain that only Laser Jesus can save you from. So if you want nothing to do with the Redeemer of Rays, i suggest water for all of you.

I Am John Edward

On my flight to Los Angeles I sat next to an older black woman and I saw she was reading ESPN magazine. I’m pretty good at reading people, you know, like that guy who talks to peoples’ dead relatives? Anyway, like that guy I deducted that she must have had a son in the NFL or something. Here’s how our conversation went:

Me: So, do you have a son in the NFL?

Her: What? No…

Me: Oh, really? That’s too bad.

Her: I guess.

Me: (Pointing at advertisement for “The Amazing Race” in her magazine) Have you seen that show? Isn’t it about white people?

Her: No. That’s racist.

Me: Oh, really? Yeah I guess.

That’s what I hate about people nowadays. People are so hypersensitive to race. What should I have said? “A show about Caucasian people?” What a bitch.

Tom Brady Has Really Hot Girlfriends

Tom Brady really is a dreamboat. Stunningly flawless. A Bastion of Bashful Beauty. Have you seen his GQ? He's gorgeous. Probably Jesus. I'm not even gonna talk about his quarterback play. You can't pass this good in practice.


[With Leather]

My Face Hurts

Brett Favre is Greatest American Ever, Honored with 4th Amendment

Brett Favre being made out of eagles feathers, american flags, and a dash of rubble from the Twin Towers, could no longer be denied an amendment in the Constitution. Since the Patriot Act already took care of the fourth amendment, why not put America personified in its place?

When asked what he thought about being written into the constitution Favre responded, "E Pluribus Unum." Scholars are working on the translation. Apparently Favre can speak Freedom, a language rumored to only be spoken by Captain America and Paul Revere.

Don't take my word for it, take MIMS' and you'll see why Favre is hot.

On the Lap of Uncle Etan

Etan Thomas, power-forward/center for the Washington Wizards, is one of the few political activists/athletes that were so prominent during the '60's and now can't seem to be found anywhere. Etan is a real man. Lebron James says he wants to be the Muhammed Ali of this generation, but if he's gonna be half the man Ali was he should start taking lessons from Etan.

Every now and then I'm going to post a sample of Etan's poetry because it's real:

"Now I look upon my culture,
I see ballers, sure I do
Hard corers in Haute Couture, in furs
Enough to make my ancestry - stir"

Weekly Sweet Ass Name

In this weekly post I'm going to post a name of a professional athlete that I think is either hilarious or badass or both. I thought I'd start off with one of my all-time favorite NFL names: Todd Herremans, offensive lineman for the Philadelphia Eagles.
His cause is only aided by the fact that he went to Saginaw Valley. Nobody messes with a big hairy guy from Saginaw Valley. Especially when his name gives the illusion of there being more than one.

Single Greatest Music Video in the History of Videos and Music Combined

Oh my god. I don't watch the kids' MTVees these days and i don't know if this is old news to everybody but I saw this video for the first time tonight and all I can say is Great. Great job to whomever was in charge of making this video. Great job world. Great job.

Stephen "Crazy Captain" Jackson?!?!

I was watching a Warriors vs. Lakers preseason basketball game (I know, I know, but it was a tuesday night and there was nothing better on. Would you rather I'd watched A Shot at Love? (I did watch that)) with my man D "Hot Fire" Money and I noticed a lack of craziness in the Warriors frontcourt. I then realized that perennial crazyman Stephen Jesse Jackson wasn't in.

After a quick wikipedia search I found out that the same man that played no small supporting role in the "Malice at the Palace" is now the CAPTAIN of the Golden State Warriors. What's next? Are people going to start having sex with animals?

Vick's Doing Well For Himself

Some of you may know that Former Atlanta Falcons' Quarterback Michael Vick hasn't had the best year of his life, and by some of you I mean mom. So mom, Michael Vick now could owe the Atlanta Falcons $20 Million.

I guess I'm gonna be an AFL fan around 2012 when Vick gets out of jail. I hope he goes to the Los Angeles Lake...Tacklers was it? Anyway, a tip of the emo bangs to you Ookie, your life sucks more than mine, something I never thought could happen.

How It All Started

I got the title of my blog from this gem of an interview with All-American Badass Marshawn Lynch.

What did he say when she asked him to define his attitude? "Beast Mode?" You never fuck with a guy whose attitude is in Beast Mode.

Marshawn, you can't just take what she said in the question and use it as your answer. You learn that when you're little and you have to do those dumb definitions where you're not allowed to use the word you're defining in the definition. Elementary stuff Marshawn.

A Little Paralysis Humor Anybody?

Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett had a spinal injury placed upon him while playing tackle football and while there is nothing funny about that, there is something funny about this...

I know this video is kind of old but it is pure gold. You thought it was a miracle huh? Me too.