The Importance of Being Earnest

I'm going to be frank for a moment, no not Frank Caliendo, sorry to disappoint. I wish my livelihood was based upon the mimicking of a mentally deteriorating old man.

As I was saying, I have been keeping quiet about this for a while but I know what NFL teams need to do to salvage their seasons. New Orleans is still drowning and San Diego is all on fire. Everytime something tragic happens to a city, the team members fight harder than ever before for the fading memories of their H2's and box-like Mercedes. Not only do I think Marty Schottenheimer's plan to burn down San Diego backfired but I think more head coaches should start thinking outside the proverbial box. Here's some advice for struggling NFL head coaches to utilize this season:

1. Minnesota Vikings: Head coach Brad Childress, crucify Adrian Peterson. Have the entire team turn on him during practice and stone him to near death. Nail his hands and feet to a cross. The city can rally around that. Probably as a bonus he'll come back from the dead and win the Superbowl as the Maroon Messiah. That's Purple Jesus' undead alter-ego. Don't think he doesn't have one.

2. San Francisco 49ers: Keep starting Trent Dilfer until Alex Smith comes back, then everything will be fine. Also, hire a head coach who thinks he's the President of the United States. Oh, wait.

3. Atlanta Falcons: Have Arthur Blank host a banquet for the White People of Atlanta (It's a club) and at the end of their meals tell them they just ate dog meat and that they all probably have salmonella. Somehow this will lead to Atlanta Vick being in Prison Break. That's really all I want, just one episode.

4. Miami Dolphins: Don't go to London. They don't care, we don't care, lets just cancel it before this becomes a bigger deal than it needs to be. Oh, but blow up the Big Ben, that would be awesome.

5. St. Louis Rams: Don't have starting running back Stephen Jackson sign Nike deals with catchy slogans like "Leave Nothing." He might take them literally. (That was actual advice I'm sorry).

6. Cincinatti Bengals: Nice attempt at motivating the players Marvin Lewis, I like the "Black Coach on Crutches" bit. I would go with something a little less subtle. Trick defensive end Robert Geathers into sneaking into Trent Green's house and murdering him. The ensuing arrest will leave you no choice but to really put your foot down on the behavior situation and have Robert Geathers receive the death penalty. I guarantee after you kill one of your players, your team will be tighter than a well tuned battalion of United States marines. Also Marvin, after you kill your player make sure to say "Well that takes care of that." That's what you say after you kill somebody.

I sincerely apologize for everything I have written here.