How to Cheat in the MLB, by Paul Byrd

Cleveland Indians pitcher Paul Byrd has admitted to using steroids. Here's the steps he used to try and get away with it:
1. Put own head in microwave until pituitary tumor develops.
2. Have dentist prescribe $25,000 worth of HGH.
3. Buy all steroids with own credit cards.
4. Once failure during ALCS is imminent, admit steroid use and hope everybody assumes you weren't cheating because you were doing it so blatantly.