HAL: "Just What Do You Think You're Doing Rudy?"

As you can see at the bottom of this post, I started this at 4 A.M. I have never been this physically exhausted while remaining mentally eager to continue deteriorating in front of my television. If you haven't played Mass Effect yet for Xbox 360 consider yourself well rested. If you enjoy sleep and healthy eating habits do not, I repeat Do Not buy this game. It is a game that constantly leaves your mind feeling unaccomplished and yearning for a sense of satisfaction that one would attain after beating a level in Mario for instance. My life has been transferred into this futuristic, yet realistic, virtual reality. Call me lame, call me what you will but this game has conquered my life. I am powerless to it. Technology has gone too far. It's only a matter of time until video games can sustain you. I can't wait.

Goodnight Sweet Prince

Sean Taylor, I never would have envisioned my life without your power guiding me. I never knew you as a person but words can't describe how cool you were on the field. The way you wouldn't wear gloves (just because that's awesome) and the way you would decapitate punters in the Pro Bowl. We hardly knew you Sean. God better keep his pads low, or he's getting laid the fuck out.

David Stern Loves This Stuff

I'm glad Nene got rid of his porno honey. That thing was bothering the shit out of him. It's too bad that David Stern is going to suspend the entire Nuggets team for being waaaaaaaaayyy too black. They were doing really well too. Stern will probably just have another angry Knickerbocker get all in Carmelo's face and be like "Hey you're not very good at basketball. I'm probably better." Then Melo will proceed to slap/run away from said Knickerbocker resulting in a year long suspension and another crappy rap album. HOORAY!

Thai Kids Think Transvestites Are Good

Asians have everything figured out. The Japanese have a game called "Battle Raper 2," the Chinese made that awesome movie "Hello," oh wait "Hero," and the Thai made this commercial. In a related story, "Collateral Damage" never released in China.

Adrian 2:8

In the beginning God created the heavens and earth. God said, "Let us make Adrian Peterson a.k.a Purple Jesus in our image, in our likeness, and let him rule over the inferior defensive schemes, and the weak arm tackling." So God created Purple Jesus in his own image, in the image of God he created him. God blessed him and said to him, "Be fruitful and increase your rushing numbers; amaze the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."

And so he did. This is the second coming. Get your holy water folks. Adrian Peterson just made Ladainian "MVP" Tomlinson look like a harebrained heretic.

30 rushes 296 yards 3 touchdowns

The Lord is Here.

Weekly Sweet Ass Name

Vinny Testaverde, is he Italian or does his last name mean green balls? Am I right?
I was looking on the interweb for another sweet ass name of a professional athlete for all of about 27 seconds when I realized it's a waste of time to post these sort(s) of things. I could go on for years posting about Mack Strongs and Atari Bigbys and then trying to be funny by relating their names to genitalia, like "Mack's Strong Wiener Store" or "Atari Bigby has a lot of penises in jars in his house."

The truth is I'm really lazy and don't want to be bothered coming up with something funny relating to some guy's weird name. Also I'm pretty sure the three of you don't care that I don't do it every week. So from here on out I'm just going to post a weird name and make fun of it whenever and however I want. I have to be neither your ballocks bondservant nor your cullions chattel. I've come to terms with the fact that I don't need balls and wieners coming out of my mouth at designated times each week. I can do it whenever I like and to whomever I like.

Hey...It's Saturday

I'm bored and wanted to share some penis humor.

Happy Halloween Ragnar, Act II

If you missed Act I, here it is.
Scene i: Brett Favre's house, around 1:30 AM Halloween night. Brett awakes to the stench of shellfish and stale seal meat. The only reason Brett knows what seal meat smells like is because he has killed seal before. To survive. (Oh and this picture has nothing to do with the story)

Ragnar: (in the pitch black of Brett's bedroom) Wakey. Bretty.

Deanna Favre: Oh God! Who is that Brett?

Brett: Ragnar, is that you?

Ragnar: Maybe.

Brett: I know it's you Ragnar.

Ragnar: OK.

Brett: Good. Now...what are you doing here? Whatever you need...take it...

Ragnar: I need. I need you Brett...

Brett: Well you can't have me Ragnar. You have a wife...a wife who loves you.

Ragnar: She doesn't have what I need.

Brett: What's that Ragnar?

Ragnar: A Halloween costume.

Brett: Halloween's almost over Ragnar. You should just go home and get some rest. Would you like tickets to my game on Sunday? Huh, pal?

Ragnar: BRETT! You aren't listening! (appears from out of the darkness wielding an axe, creeping ever closer) I need a Halloween costume! I need you!

Brett: Ragnar! Stop right there. One more step and I'll have to stop you. I don't want to do that Ragnar.

Ragnar: Whatever you say Brett. Happy Halloween...(disappears back into a dark corner of Brett's room)

Brett: Are you still there Ragnar?

Ragnar: Yeah....should I just go out the front?

Brett: Alright.

Scene ii: Brett's House around 2:00 AM Halloween night. Brett is driven from his dormancy by the screams of his wife and children outside. He looks out his window to see a man lying in his front yard while a yellow and purple van speeds away. Brett hurries to the front yard and sees that the man lying in the grass is missing an arm from the elbow down.

Brett: Are you okay? What happened? Where did he take them?

Greg the Camera Man: I don't know where they're going...Aggghhh! My arm! I tried... I tried to stop him. Ahhhhh! Call an ambulance!

Brett: Good idea, but the authorities will be too slow to handle this situation. I have to save my family myself. (sprints off into the night at a speed unreachable even in his younger years)

Greg: No, Brett! For my arm! (to himself) Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccck this hurts. Ahhhhhhhh....no service! God I wish I had The Network! I just hate that stupid glasses guy sooooooooo much...Uggggggghhhhhh!!!

Scene iii: Outside Ragnar's viking cave. Brett has applied war paint to his face. The cave is surrounded by thick forest. A slew of viking warriors surround the cave wielding axes and other assorted melee weapons. Some say Brett's beard is that silvery color because it is made of steel, like Wolverine but less metro. (Snapple cap fact)

Brett: (to himself high in a tree) When you're pushed...Killing is as easy as breathing.

WARNING: Brett has NO qualms about killing in this video. VERY violent.

Oh I thought that movie was "Brett Favre," not "John Rambo." Anyway Brett kills all those dudes and finds Ragnar in the cave holding his family hostage with an axe.

Brett: (covered in blood) Give me back my family Ragnar. I'm only going to ask once.

Ragnar: I neeeeeeed a Halloween costume BRETT!

Brett: Be fucking Buzz Lightyear!

Deanna Favre: Brett! Not in front of the children.

Brett: Oh, right. Be gosh darned Buzz Lightyear.

Ragnar: I was thinking something maybe a little more creative. You know, a little more original. I was thinking maybe...like a gay NASCAR driver or something.

Brett: Sounds great. Can I have my family now?

Ragnar: Fine. Wait! No, one kiss too.

Brett: You want me to kiss you Ragnar? Hmmmm. If I kiss you will you leave me and my family alone forever?

Ragnar: Yes.

Brett: Fine. (Going in for the kiss he slits Ragnar's throat with his metallic beard. So Snapple cap facts are true!) Happy Halloween Ragnar. (to his family) C'mon guys, who wants some IHOP?

Brett's Children: Yaaaay!

Deanna: I love you honey.

Brett: I know.

THE END.