Now Wait Just A Gosh Darned Minute!

Northern Kentucky, 10:37 AM
(Door Bell Rings)

MLB Security Investigator: Good Morning Mr. Gibson, Mr. Holbrook.

Greg Gibson, Sam Holbrook: (in a southern drawl) Good Mornin'.

MLB SI: I won't take up too much of your time, I just have to ask you a few questions. What with the referee corruption in the NBA and all we have to do these background checks on all of our umpires. I'm sure you understand.

Gibson: Why o' course.

Holbrook: Too bad about that referee. Seemed like a nice enough feller.

MLB SI: Aaanyway. Let's get on with it shall we? Do either of you gentlemen grow or sell marijuana?

Gibson: (chuckling slightly) No sir.

Holbrook: Of course not.

MLB SI: Do either of you gamble? Or do either of you live beyond your financial means? By that I mean do either of you own a Rolls-Royce?

Holbrook: I neither gamble nor do I own an expensive car. But if a raise is what you're hintin' at... then Yes! (heavy laughing followed by wheezing coughs)

Gibson: Same goes for me.

MLB SI: Okay then. Last question. Are either of you involved in any groups? Such as the Ku Klux Klan?

(Gibson and Holbrook glance at each other stirring in their seats)

Gibson: Now look here! I resent that question! Just who do you think you are?

Holbrook: The MLB thinks it can just send its secret police over to our houses and ask us these insulting questions? You have crossed the line! What kind of despotic ship do these folks think they are sailin' here? These are sensitive times! You can't just go around askin' people those kinds o' questions like you're the gestapo! We got a nig... colored boy runnin' for President for gosh sakes! God forbid he wins, but you can't just act like you own this place and ask any question you gosh darn please!

Gibson: (watch alarm starts beeping) Sam, we're late!

Holbrook: Good day to you sir! You have made us late for our meeting. (To Greg) Hurry, get the biscuits from the cupboard. (To MLB investigator) I believe you can show yo'self out. 

The Birdman is Flying Home

Two years ago New Orleans Hornets big man Chris Andersen was vanquished from the league for using heroin. Good news though, the former league-leader in white trash is returning. Hopefully all the trials get over and done with in time for the dunk contest. Because then we can all enjoy a nice serving of Birdmadness:

Charger's Kaeding To Replace Tomlinson Next Season

San Diego Charger kicker Nate Kaeding played almost five full games with a fractured left leg (his plant leg). I don't know if the chargers front office is doing this on purpose, but they are making their former first team all-badass running back Ladainian Tomlinson look like third team all-labium.

First Philip "Promise Ring" Rivers plays in the AFC Championship game with a torn ACL, and now Nate Kaeding (kickers are supposed to take 1st place on every team when it comes to bench warming by the way) scores all of the Chargers points in the AFC Chip with a broken leg. What did Tomlinson do with his pestilential bruise? Oh yeah, hide his sorrow behind a visor.

In a related story to Kaeding breaking his leg 6 or so weeks ago: Lee Harvey Oswald had a broken right index finger on November 22, 1963.

There's a Bright Side

Jason Kidd, point guard and leader of the New Jersey Nets, doesn't even pretend his team is good. That's okay though when you play in the East. I've always liked the Nets, more so when K-Mart was the king of Newark, but Sean "Area 51" Williams is holding it down pretty strong.

Scaring Asians is So Hot Right Now

"A day without a newly imported korean getting scared is a day wasted." -Charlie Chaplin.
At least that's how I think the quote goes. It holds true anyway. The same goes for gay men.

Yeah! Chastity is Awesome!

I'm a skateboard punk and I used to hang out with the wrong crowd. Until today. I watched this inspirational video of my favorite football player, my idol, Philip Rivers. I used to think chastity was for squares and gays, but now I realize that you can be hip, rad, and monogamous. If not for Philip Rivers I might be an unsportsmanlike jerk, or a jerk who tells his home crowd to shut up. I'm totally going to that conference thing that was 6 months ago. Where a bunch of us teen kids can hang out, drink punch, watch High School Musical 2 and talk about how much sex we're all not having. Thanks to our friends at youtube and to Philip Rivers I'm totally way more attracted to Jesus than I am to goth chicks. Until I get married. Then it's goth chicks off the chain yo!

God Damn It They Killed Kenny!

I did a quick wikipedia search on this guy and his birth date is unknown. Kenny George is his name. A likely name...for an ALIEN! Seriously though who names their monster baby Kenny?
I've never seen anybody dunk with his elbows bent and his feet flat on the ground. He looks awful though, here's why:

If I Had A Nickel...

Is there no respite from this man's rapier of a wit? I've been rapiered this way and that by his rapier. So what if I think it's funny that a long pointy sword is called a rapier. What? No I wasn't molested by a swordsman.

It's a pretty long video sorry. If I could edit it I would. I'm sure it's not that hard. Oh well. Enjoy ;-{

Heeeeeey! Heee Called Meeee Phyllis!

Instead of complaining about how much I fucking hate Philip Rivers (and how he made me realize how much I hate the Chargers and their self-righteous clan of dick saucers) I'm just going to do this: "If Philip Rivers can manage to injure himself solely with poor throwing mechanics and still manage to taunt and argue with Colts fans even when he had no part in the game winning drive against the Colts, you have to eat as many babies as you can..." "You got a dear!" Moral of the story is: I'm no fucking Aesop.

This Just In!

Britney Spears was seen at a grocery store buying tampons. Holy shit. This woman is seriously a risk to her children. She must be mentally unstable. Who does this fucking bitch think she is? "Hi, I'm Britney I can do whatever I want and have kids and drive around all day in a car like a person and not wear underwear, la di do da..." What a bitch. I hope the media infects her every waking moment and ruins her marriage, and takes away her children and drives her to drink herself into a rehab clinic. If this world is at all just, this whore will kill herself after mistakingly marrying another white rapper. Good riddance. If it weren't for the persistance of the dedicated papirazzi these fucking slags would be running the world. Thank the lord.

More Like THE Ohio Suck University

It's only the second quarter but I can feel the Buckeyes slowly realizing their best player is the son of a former WWF wrestler. You can't find pure-bred white trash like that anywhere else in the world.

Happy New Year

I haven't posted in a long time and I apologize to those of you who might care. I don't really know what to do when the new year comes around. It always just feels the same as the last dumb year. So i'll just post some videos that may or may not have been in the year 2007 to feign nostalgia for the year that was kind enough to give me a kidney stone.
Fuck, that is hilarious. More Bill Walton gold here.

Cool.

Did you guys see this game? It was awesome. It wasn't awesome.

Face rape coming out of an old person's mouth is funnier than when it comes out of a young persons mouth. Wait, that came out wrong...

Best fight of 2007 hands down.

Best music video of 2007.

Oh and Trindon Holliday wins best tiny person of the year award.