Smith, Harris Smith

I agree, it is absolutely hilarious that Plaxico thought that he could deceive NEW YORK doctors, who probably watch more football than he does, into thinking that he was just a regular six foot seven inch black man who happened to look like the infamous NEW YORK Giant Plaxico Burress. And I agree, it is all well and good to make fun of him for being retarded and wearing sweatpants with a gun in the waistband (I can't even get my wallet to stay in that shit, let alone a .40 caliber glock), and shooting himself in the leg. What I disagree with is the NFL and all of its phony analysts.

When I read about Plax's fellow New York Giant wide-receiver Steve Smith getting robbed at gunpoint outside his own house, I began to think maybe the NFL should start looking at the bigger picture. Hell, they should have started looking at the bigger picture back when Adam "Pac-man" Jones was doing this shit. Instead of laying the blame upon the players themselves for being generally stupid and not registering their weapons, and putting these weapons in sweatpants, and shooting themselves in one of the two legs that they need for their profession, and then going to hospitals with fake names, maybe we should look at why these players are doing these things.

While the economy plunges like a bullet into a thigh of recession, and while most of America's income is as reliable as a sweatpants waistband, there is one thing that is as constant as a gun while its safety is off, and that is a professional athletes salary. This fact, coupled with the way that athletes stand out in a crowd of normal sized people makes them an extremely likely target for muggings.

I don't have the answer for what the NFL should do about their player's safety, but I sure hope Plax doesn't get any jail time. It's bad enough that he shot himself in the leg, he shouldn't be sent to jail just for looking out for his own safety.

OBAMA SEXTAPE!!!!111

I really just chose that title to see if it gets any hits on Google. Although, these days it seems only natural that a person's meteoric rise to celebrity status is propelled mainly by the release of his/her sextape. So, while it takes most politicians years in the political oven, it seems that Obama's microwaveable Presidency must have had to do with the release of some sort of sextape. Right?

I mean, why else would we have heard of people like Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton? Obama must have blown somebody to get into office right? Everybody knows the only way to get anywhere in America is to fellate the shit out of somebody really important like Ray-J or Bill Clinton. That's why it's called a blow-job. You have to work hard to get places in this world. Or maybe we were just so sick of seeing white guys blow in general (no implication that they are actually gay, because they most definitely are not), that we actually voted in a black president who didn't blow anybody. Awesome.

I'm Baaaaack

For the mean time anyway. Sometimes I get the strange feeling I'm writing to myself. Maybe it's because I write so intermittently. Well, if you read this, expect some posts in the near future, and thanks for being a cool guy (because no chicks read this shit).

This Just In: Richard Collier Suspended For Year

Roger Goodell has just released a statement regarding Jaguars Tackle Richard Collier, who was shot early Tuesday morning:

I have decided to suspend Mr. Collier for the remainder of the 2008-2009 season. After the suspension is up, Mr. Collier will have to apply for a reinstatement, that is, if he still has the ability to do so, either physically or verbally. We must protect the integrity of the NFL and the highest standards of conduct must be applied to everyone in the NFL because it is a privilege to represent the NFL, not a right. These players, and all members of our league, have to make the right choices and decisions in their conduct on a consistent basis.

In a letter to Richard Collier, who is in critical condition, the Commissioner states:

Your conduct has brought embarrassment and ridicule upon yourself, your club, and the NFL, and has damaged the reputation of players throughout the league. You have put in jeopardy an otherwise promising NFL career, and have risked both your own safety and the safety of others through your off-field actions. In each of these respects, you have engaged in conduct detrimental to the NFL and failed to live up to the standards expected of NFL players. Taken as a whole, this conduct warrants significant sanction.

The Jaguars released the following statement:

We appreciate the Commissioner's thoughtful decision today and the discipline plan imposed on Richard Collier. We respect this decision and are confident this is in the best interest of the league and the team. We are hopeful that it will achieve the goals of disciplining the player and eventually enabling him to return to the field of play. Our goals for Collier are consistent with the league's in that regard.

As long as players are getting shot at, Commissioner Goodell will suspend them. The Commissioner was going to suspend Sean Taylor last year for "consorting with undesirables," but Goodell thought it might not be prudent considering Sean Taylor died.

The Day That Communism Won

Brett Favre finally did it. He quit on the sport, he quit on us, but most importantly he quit on capitalism and America. We all know he had at least 6 more years in the tank. Did you see his arm power during the playoffs? 17/18 weeks into the season and he still throws rockets. Is he quitting because he's tired? No, he's quitting because he no longer believes in the power of his marketability. He got sick of the Wrangler commercials, and he got sick of the Prilosec jokes. He didn't quit because he is old, he quit because he's a quitter. I no longer know what I'm talking about, but I'm sure glad we don't have to go through him questioning retirement every year. Maybe he'll come back and return to us the joy of the insignificance of his contemplations. Oh jesus, I hope he doesn't become a commentator.

A Day Has Never Tasted So Good

I hope Junior Seau eats his conductor hat too. 

Now Wait Just A Gosh Darned Minute!

Northern Kentucky, 10:37 AM
(Door Bell Rings)

MLB Security Investigator: Good Morning Mr. Gibson, Mr. Holbrook.

Greg Gibson, Sam Holbrook: (in a southern drawl) Good Mornin'.

MLB SI: I won't take up too much of your time, I just have to ask you a few questions. What with the referee corruption in the NBA and all we have to do these background checks on all of our umpires. I'm sure you understand.

Gibson: Why o' course.

Holbrook: Too bad about that referee. Seemed like a nice enough feller.

MLB SI: Aaanyway. Let's get on with it shall we? Do either of you gentlemen grow or sell marijuana?

Gibson: (chuckling slightly) No sir.

Holbrook: Of course not.

MLB SI: Do either of you gamble? Or do either of you live beyond your financial means? By that I mean do either of you own a Rolls-Royce?

Holbrook: I neither gamble nor do I own an expensive car. But if a raise is what you're hintin' at... then Yes! (heavy laughing followed by wheezing coughs)

Gibson: Same goes for me.

MLB SI: Okay then. Last question. Are either of you involved in any groups? Such as the Ku Klux Klan?

(Gibson and Holbrook glance at each other stirring in their seats)

Gibson: Now look here! I resent that question! Just who do you think you are?

Holbrook: The MLB thinks it can just send its secret police over to our houses and ask us these insulting questions? You have crossed the line! What kind of despotic ship do these folks think they are sailin' here? These are sensitive times! You can't just go around askin' people those kinds o' questions like you're the gestapo! We got a nig... colored boy runnin' for President for gosh sakes! God forbid he wins, but you can't just act like you own this place and ask any question you gosh darn please!

Gibson: (watch alarm starts beeping) Sam, we're late!

Holbrook: Good day to you sir! You have made us late for our meeting. (To Greg) Hurry, get the biscuits from the cupboard. (To MLB investigator) I believe you can show yo'self out. 

The Birdman is Flying Home

Two years ago New Orleans Hornets big man Chris Andersen was vanquished from the league for using heroin. Good news though, the former league-leader in white trash is returning. Hopefully all the trials get over and done with in time for the dunk contest. Because then we can all enjoy a nice serving of Birdmadness:

Charger's Kaeding To Replace Tomlinson Next Season

San Diego Charger kicker Nate Kaeding played almost five full games with a fractured left leg (his plant leg). I don't know if the chargers front office is doing this on purpose, but they are making their former first team all-badass running back Ladainian Tomlinson look like third team all-labium.

First Philip "Promise Ring" Rivers plays in the AFC Championship game with a torn ACL, and now Nate Kaeding (kickers are supposed to take 1st place on every team when it comes to bench warming by the way) scores all of the Chargers points in the AFC Chip with a broken leg. What did Tomlinson do with his pestilential bruise? Oh yeah, hide his sorrow behind a visor.

In a related story to Kaeding breaking his leg 6 or so weeks ago: Lee Harvey Oswald had a broken right index finger on November 22, 1963.

There's a Bright Side

Jason Kidd, point guard and leader of the New Jersey Nets, doesn't even pretend his team is good. That's okay though when you play in the East. I've always liked the Nets, more so when K-Mart was the king of Newark, but Sean "Area 51" Williams is holding it down pretty strong.