BetterThanSolid

Snap Into a Slim Jim! OOOHHHHH YEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

2009-04-11T21:52:00.000-07:00

This starts out as a music video, but the Macho Man is too powerful to be held by such trifling paradigms.

Ladies and Gentlemen... Mike Taylor

2009-04-06T00:42:00.000-07:00

I could go on forever about how Donald Sterling, according to Elgin Baylor, runs the Los Angeles Clippers organization like a plantation . Instead, as a Clipper fan, I feel it is my obligation to not be a hater and to highlight the dopeness of my beleaguered team. Mike Taylor is the dopeness.

Men's Basketball Replay System Sets Record for Longest Game

2009-03-14T12:34:00.000-07:00

Only a day after Syracuse and Connecticut played a three hour game that ended in the sixth overtime, West Virginia and Pittsburgh set the record for longest game in Big East tournament history. The two teams shot a combined eighty-two three-pointers, all of which had to be reviewed by the referees.

West Virginia freshman Devin Ebanks explained, "Every time we put up the three, the refs thought our feet could have been on the line..."

The referees accumulated three and a half hours of review time, while actual game time lasted only an hour and a half. No longer reliant upon their obsolete senses of hearing and seeing, the referees used the eyes and ears of the replay system instead.

"We just wanted to be absolutely positive we were making the right calls," said referee Jim Golding.

Three hours and forty-five minutes into the game, most of the crowd was asleep.

"The refs should have just tivo'd the game... it would have saved us all a lot of trouble..." complained one Mountaineers fan.

Perhaps the league front office will review this problem, but lord knows how long that will take.

Smith, Harris Smith

2008-12-02T13:52:00.000-08:00

I agree, it is absolutely hilarious that Plaxico thought that he could deceive NEW YORK doctors, who probably watch more football than he does, into thinking that he was just a regular six foot seven inch black man who happened to look like the infamous NEW YORK Giant Plaxico Burress. And I agree, it is all well and good to make fun of him for being retarded and wearing sweatpants with a gun in the waistband (I can't even get my wallet to stay in that shit, let alone a .40 caliber glock), and shooting himself in the leg. What I disagree with is the NFL and all of its phony analysts.

When I read about Plax's fellow New York Giant wide-receiver Steve Smith getting robbed at gunpoint outside his own house, I began to think maybe the NFL should start looking at the bigger picture. Hell, they should have started looking at the bigger picture back when Adam "Pac-man" Jones was doing this shit. Instead of laying the blame upon the players themselves for being generally stupid and not registering their weapons, and putting these weapons in sweatpants, and shooting themselves in one of the two legs that they need for their profession, and then going to hospitals with fake names, maybe we should look at why these players are doing these things.

While the economy plunges like a bullet into a thigh of recession, and while most of America's income is as reliable as a sweatpants waistband, there is one thing that is as constant as a gun while its safety is off, and that is a professional athletes salary. This fact, coupled with the way that athletes stand out in a crowd of normal sized people makes them an extremely likely target for muggings.

I don't have the answer for what the NFL should do about their player's safety, but I sure hope Plax doesn't get any jail time. It's bad enough that he shot himself in the leg, he shouldn't be sent to jail just for looking out for his own safety.

OBAMA SEXTAPE!!!!111

2008-11-10T19:41:00.000-08:00

I really just chose that title to see if it gets any hits on Google. Although, these days it seems only natural that a person's meteoric rise to celebrity status is propelled mainly by the release of his/her sextape. So, while it takes most politicians years in the political oven, it seems that Obama's microwaveable Presidency must have had to do with the release of some sort of sextape. Right?

I mean, why else would we have heard of people like Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton? Obama must have blown somebody to get into office right? Everybody knows the only way to get anywhere in America is to fellate the shit out of somebody really important like Ray-J or Bill Clinton. That's why it's called a blow-job. You have to work hard to get places in this world. Or maybe we were just so sick of seeing white guys blow in general (no implication that they are actually gay, because they most definitely are not), that we actually voted in a black president who didn't blow anybody. Awesome.

I'm Baaaaack

2008-11-02T22:04:00.000-08:00

For the mean time anyway. Sometimes I get the strange feeling I'm writing to myself. Maybe it's because I write so intermittently. Well, if you read this, expect some posts in the near future, and thanks for being a cool guy (because no chicks read this shit).

This Just In: Richard Collier Suspended For Year

2008-09-03T22:44:00.001-07:00

Roger Goodell has just released a statement regarding Jaguars Tackle Richard Collier, who was shot early Tuesday morning:

I have decided to suspend Mr. Collier for the remainder of the 2008-2009 season. After the suspension is up, Mr. Collier will have to apply for a reinstatement, that is, if he still has the ability to do so, either physically or verbally. We must protect the integrity of the NFL and the highest standards of conduct must be applied to everyone in the NFL because it is a privilege to represent the NFL, not a right. These players, and all members of our league, have to make the right choices and decisions in their conduct on a consistent basis.

In a letter to Richard Collier, who is in critical condition, the Commissioner states:

Your conduct has brought embarrassment and ridicule upon yourself, your club, and the NFL, and has damaged the reputation of players throughout the league. You have put in jeopardy an otherwise promising NFL career, and have risked both your own safety and the safety of others through your off-field actions. In each of these respects, you have engaged in conduct detrimental to the NFL and failed to live up to the standards expected of NFL players. Taken as a whole, this conduct warrants significant sanction.

The Jaguars released the following statement:

We appreciate the Commissioner's thoughtful decision today and the discipline plan imposed on Richard Collier. We respect this decision and are confident this is in the best interest of the league and the team. We are hopeful that it will achieve the goals of disciplining the player and eventually enabling him to return to the field of play. Our goals for Collier are consistent with the league's in that regard.

As long as players are getting shot at, Commissioner Goodell will suspend them. The Commissioner was going to suspend Sean Taylor last year for "consorting with undesirables," but Goodell thought it might not be prudent considering Sean Taylor died.

The Day That Communism Won

2008-03-04T17:31:00.000-08:00

Brett Favre finally did it. He quit on the sport, he quit on us, but most importantly he quit on capitalism and America. We all know he had at least 6 more years in the tank. Did you see his arm power during the playoffs? 17/18 weeks into the season and he still throws rockets. Is he quitting because he's tired? No, he's quitting because he no longer believes in the power of his marketability. He got sick of the Wrangler commercials, and he got sick of the Prilosec jokes. He didn't quit because he is old, he quit because he's a quitter. I no longer know what I'm talking about, but I'm sure glad we don't have to go through him questioning retirement every year. Maybe he'll come back and return to us the joy of the insignificance of his contemplations. Oh jesus, I hope he doesn't become a commentator.

A Day Has Never Tasted So Good

2008-02-04T22:54:00.001-08:00

I hope Junior Seau eats his conductor hat too.

Now Wait Just A Gosh Darned Minute!

2008-01-31T03:03:00.000-08:00

Northern Kentucky, 10:37 AM
(Door Bell Rings)

MLB Security Investigator: Good Morning Mr. Gibson, Mr. Holbrook.

Greg Gibson, Sam Holbrook: (in a southern drawl) Good Mornin'.

MLB SI: I won't take up too much of your time, I just have to ask you a few questions. What with the referee corruption in the NBA and all we have to do these background checks on all of our umpires. I'm sure you understand.

Gibson: Why o' course.

Holbrook: Too bad about that referee. Seemed like a nice enough feller.

MLB SI: Aaanyway. Let's get on with it shall we? Do either of you gentlemen grow or sell marijuana?

Gibson: (chuckling slightly) No sir.

Holbrook: Of course not.

MLB SI: Do either of you gamble? Or do either of you live beyond your financial means? By that I mean do either of you own a Rolls-Royce?

Holbrook: I neither gamble nor do I own an expensive car. But if a raise is what you're hintin' at... then Yes! (heavy laughing followed by wheezing coughs)

Gibson: Same goes for me.

MLB SI: Okay then. Last question. Are either of you involved in any groups? Such as the Ku Klux Klan?

(Gibson and Holbrook glance at each other stirring in their seats)

Gibson: Now look here! I resent that question! Just who do you think you are?

Holbrook: The MLB thinks it can just send its secret police over to our houses and ask us these insulting questions? You have crossed the line! What kind of despotic ship do these folks think they are sailin' here? These are sensitive times! You can't just go around askin' people those kinds o' questions like you're the gestapo! We got a nig... colored boy runnin' for President for gosh sakes! God forbid he wins, but you can't just act like you own this place and ask any question you gosh darn please!

Gibson: (watch alarm starts beeping) Sam, we're late!

Holbrook: Good day to you sir! You have made us late for our meeting. (To Greg) Hurry, get the biscuits from the cupboard. (To MLB investigator) I believe you can show yo'self out.

The Birdman is Flying Home

2008-01-26T14:11:00.000-08:00

Two years ago New Orleans Hornets big man Chris Andersen was vanquished from the league for using heroin. Good news though, the former league-leader in white trash is returning. Hopefully all the trials get over and done with in time for the dunk contest. Because then we can all enjoy a nice serving of Birdmadness:

Charger's Kaeding To Replace Tomlinson Next Season

2008-01-26T02:21:00.000-08:00

San Diego Charger kicker Nate Kaeding played almost five full games with a fractured left leg (his plant leg). I don't know if the chargers front office is doing this on purpose, but they are making their former first team all-badass running back Ladainian Tomlinson look like third team all-labium.

First Philip "Promise Ring" Rivers plays in the AFC Championship game with a torn ACL, and now Nate Kaeding (kickers are supposed to take 1st place on every team when it comes to bench warming by the way) scores all of the Chargers points in the AFC Chip with a broken leg. What did Tomlinson do with his pestilential bruise? Oh yeah, hide his sorrow behind a visor.

In a related story to Kaeding breaking his leg 6 or so weeks ago: Lee Harvey Oswald had a broken right index finger on November 22, 1963.

There's a Bright Side

2008-01-22T20:31:00.000-08:00

Jason Kidd, point guard and leader of the New Jersey Nets, doesn't even pretend his team is good. That's okay though when you play in the East. I've always liked the Nets, more so when K-Mart was the king of Newark, but Sean "Area 51" Williams is holding it down pretty strong.

Scaring Asians is So Hot Right Now

2008-01-22T19:54:00.000-08:00

"A day without a newly imported korean getting scared is a day wasted." -Charlie Chaplin.
At least that's how I think the quote goes. It holds true anyway. The same goes for gay men.

Yeah! Chastity is Awesome!

2008-01-19T21:32:00.000-08:00

I'm a skateboard punk and I used to hang out with the wrong crowd. Until today. I watched this inspirational video of my favorite football player, my idol, Philip Rivers. I used to think chastity was for squares and gays, but now I realize that you can be hip, rad, and monogamous. If not for Philip Rivers I might be an unsportsmanlike jerk, or a jerk who tells his home crowd to shut up. I'm totally going to that conference thing that was 6 months ago. Where a bunch of us teen kids can hang out, drink punch, watch High School Musical 2 and talk about how much sex we're all not having. Thanks to our friends at youtube and to Philip Rivers I'm totally way more attracted to Jesus than I am to goth chicks. Until I get married. Then it's goth chicks off the chain yo!

God Damn It They Killed Kenny!

2008-01-19T21:10:00.000-08:00

I did a quick wikipedia search on this guy and his birth date is unknown. Kenny George is his name. A likely name...for an ALIEN! Seriously though who names their monster baby Kenny?
I've never seen anybody dunk with his elbows bent and his feet flat on the ground. He looks awful though, here's why:

If I Had A Nickel...

2008-01-16T23:08:00.000-08:00

Is there no respite from this man's rapier of a wit? I've been rapiered this way and that by his rapier. So what if I think it's funny that a long pointy sword is called a rapier. What? No I wasn't molested by a swordsman.

It's a pretty long video sorry. If I could edit it I would. I'm sure it's not that hard. Oh well. Enjoy ;-{

Heeeeeey! Heee Called Meeee Phyllis!

2008-01-14T20:45:00.000-08:00

Instead of complaining about how much I fucking hate Philip Rivers (and how he made me realize how much I hate the Chargers and their self-righteous clan of dick saucers) I'm just going to do this: "If Philip Rivers can manage to injure himself solely with poor throwing mechanics and still manage to taunt and argue with Colts fans even when he had no part in the game winning drive against the Colts, you have to eat as many babies as you can..." "You got a dear!" Moral of the story is: I'm no fucking Aesop.

This Just In!

2008-01-07T20:19:00.000-08:00

Britney Spears was seen at a grocery store buying tampons. Holy shit. This woman is seriously a risk to her children. She must be mentally unstable. Who does this fucking bitch think she is? "Hi, I'm Britney I can do whatever I want and have kids and drive around all day in a car like a person and not wear underwear, la di do da..." What a bitch. I hope the media infects her every waking moment and ruins her marriage, and takes away her children and drives her to drink herself into a rehab clinic. If this world is at all just, this whore will kill herself after mistakingly marrying another white rapper. Good riddance. If it weren't for the persistance of the dedicated papirazzi these fucking slags would be running the world. Thank the lord.

More Like THE Ohio Suck University

2008-01-07T18:39:00.000-08:00

It's only the second quarter but I can feel the Buckeyes slowly realizing their best player is the son of a former WWF wrestler. You can't find pure-bred white trash like that anywhere else in the world.

Happy New Year

2008-01-07T17:39:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in a long time and I apologize to those of you who might care. I don't really know what to do when the new year comes around. It always just feels the same as the last dumb year. So i'll just post some videos that may or may not have been in the year 2007 to feign nostalgia for the year that was kind enough to give me a kidney stone.
Fuck, that is hilarious. More Bill Walton gold here.

Cool.

Did you guys see this game? It was awesome. It wasn't awesome.

Face rape coming out of an old person's mouth is funnier than when it comes out of a young persons mouth. Wait, that came out wrong...

Best fight of 2007 hands down.

Best music video of 2007.

Oh and Trindon Holliday wins best tiny person of the year award.

There's Requirements!

2007-12-22T13:28:00.000-08:00

Tracy Morgan in "Totally Awesome". I'm sure the rest of the movie was awful. Same goes for First Sunday. I can't wait until Tracy Morgan is in a movie that is worth watching all the way through. Oh and since we're on the subject of Tracy Morgan, might as well get some Doug Flutie.

Mitchell Report...Yay

2007-12-13T17:55:00.000-08:00

Hey, look at the bright side, at least we won't have to see Roger Clemens in any more stupid commercials.

Now that the Micthell Report has accused all of baseball to be on steroids I have finally come to the realization that baseball sucks unless you pump it full of HGH. Even then it still sucks because everybody cries about how much more boring it could be without artificial enhancement. Baseball should just allow steroids if just for better entertainment and less 24/7 complaining on ESPN. Well now that this ex-Illinois senator ruined baseball for everyone we can maybe realize how fucked up not having playoffs in college football is? Please?

Dear Falcons...

2007-12-13T03:20:00.000-08:00

Atlanta Falcons ex-head coach Bobby Petrino really was bummed about Michael Vick's 23 month sentence (for 23 dog stranglings) and he hated seeing 6 people in the stands in Atlanta on Monday Night Football so he couldn't wait to get out of that shit hole and go to a really awesome place: Arkansas!

Dear Atlanta Guys,

Look I seriously had no idea all this shit was gonna happen. I was coach for like a week then Michael Vick went to jail. I'm really sorry but that dude was totally this entire team. I could have sworn I put a Vick Jail=Bobby Leave clause in my contract. Who cares. Anyway I'm shipping out to Arkansas 'cause its preeeetty cool there. They have Darren McFadden. That guy is good, let me tell you. He's been 2nd place in Heisman voting like two years in a row. I'm totally gonna kick ass there. So yeah, what week are we in? Whatever, it's best for my family for me to go, becaaaaauuuuuussse uhhhhhhh....Arkansas is Da Bomb, lemme tell you. Don't be too sad I'm going 'cause Emmitt Smith is the new coach. He's cool. I wish I could have finished this season with you guys...but some circumstances...didn't it rain yesterday? Yeah, that's why I can't do this any more. This weather sucks.

Peace homies, Bobby P

P.S. If Vick gets on Prison Break, Tivo it for me. It's totally gonna happen.

[Thanks to KSK for the picture]

Stephon, or Stephen?

2007-12-08T13:54:00.000-08:00

Could it be that I have been fooled all along? Is Stephen A. Smith actually just Stephon Marbury or vice versa? In this video I can't tell the difference. Either Starbury is a really good actor, or Starbury is actually Stephen A. Smith, or Starbury is actually a messenger sent from the Lord. I suppose we'll have to wait for Judegment Day to figure that one out.

Worst Season Ever?

2007-12-03T14:16:00.000-08:00

The Patriots have made every game uninteresting, one of my favorite players of all time has passed away (I think Bill Belichick did it), Ricky Williams returned for all of two plays until Lawrence Timmons stepped on his back ending his season.

Why don't I just watch college football you ask? Well maybe because Tostitos sucks and I hate them for making Capitalism ruin sports. Who's playing in the Orange Bowl? I don't know because I'm too busy mailing oranges to people using Fed-Ex. Oh it's Kansas and Virginia Tech? Wonderful. I can't wait for one of them to be victorious over the other. Tostitos Fiesta Bowl might be good?I don't believe you.

There have been some good things this season though. Brett Favre's drinking buddy Koren Robinson returned to the Packers. Ricky Williams played two downs. Adrian Peterson is the Maroon King of Men. Aaaaaaannnndddddd Pac-Man Jones is starring in a remake of Rain Man. Definately, definately.

HAL: "Just What Do You Think You're Doing Rudy?"

2007-11-28T04:25:00.000-08:00

As you can see at the bottom of this post, I started this at 4 A.M. I have never been this physically exhausted while remaining mentally eager to continue deteriorating in front of my television. If you haven't played Mass Effect yet for Xbox 360 consider yourself well rested. If you enjoy sleep and healthy eating habits do not, I repeat Do Not buy this game. It is a game that constantly leaves your mind feeling unaccomplished and yearning for a sense of satisfaction that one would attain after beating a level in Mario for instance. My life has been transferred into this futuristic, yet realistic, virtual reality. Call me lame, call me what you will but this game has conquered my life. I am powerless to it. Technology has gone too far. It's only a matter of time until video games can sustain you. I can't wait.

Goodnight Sweet Prince

2007-11-27T18:14:00.000-08:00

Sean Taylor, I never would have envisioned my life without your power guiding me. I never knew you as a person but words can't describe how cool you were on the field. The way you wouldn't wear gloves (just because that's awesome) and the way you would decapitate punters in the Pro Bowl. We hardly knew you Sean. God better keep his pads low, or he's getting laid the fuck out.

David Stern Loves This Stuff

2007-11-16T12:57:00.000-08:00

I'm glad Nene got rid of his porno honey. That thing was bothering the shit out of him. It's too bad that David Stern is going to suspend the entire Nuggets team for being waaaaaaaaayyy too black. They were doing really well too. Stern will probably just have another angry Knickerbocker get all in Carmelo's face and be like "Hey you're not very good at basketball. I'm probably better." Then Melo will proceed to slap/run away from said Knickerbocker resulting in a year long suspension and another crappy rap album. HOORAY!

Thai Kids Think Transvestites Are Good

2007-11-13T01:38:00.000-08:00

Asians have everything figured out. The Japanese have a game called "Battle Raper 2," the Chinese made that awesome movie "Hello," oh wait "Hero," and the Thai made this commercial. In a related story, "Collateral Damage" never released in China.

Adrian 2:8

2007-11-04T17:52:00.000-08:00

In the beginning God created the heavens and earth. God said, "Let us make Adrian Peterson a.k.a Purple Jesus in our image, in our likeness, and let him rule over the inferior defensive schemes, and the weak arm tackling." So God created Purple Jesus in his own image, in the image of God he created him. God blessed him and said to him, "Be fruitful and increase your rushing numbers; amaze the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."

And so he did. This is the second coming. Get your holy water folks. Adrian Peterson just made Ladainian "MVP" Tomlinson look like a harebrained heretic.

30 rushes 296 yards 3 touchdowns

The Lord is Here.

Weekly Sweet Ass Name

2007-11-03T20:37:00.000-07:00

Vinny Testaverde, is he Italian or does his last name mean green balls? Am I right?
I was looking on the interweb for another sweet ass name of a professional athlete for all of about 27 seconds when I realized it's a waste of time to post these sort(s) of things. I could go on for years posting about Mack Strongs and Atari Bigbys and then trying to be funny by relating their names to genitalia, like "Mack's Strong Wiener Store" or "Atari Bigby has a lot of penises in jars in his house."

The truth is I'm really lazy and don't want to be bothered coming up with something funny relating to some guy's weird name. Also I'm pretty sure the three of you don't care that I don't do it every week. So from here on out I'm just going to post a weird name and make fun of it whenever and however I want. I have to be neither your ballocks bondservant nor your cullions chattel. I've come to terms with the fact that I don't need balls and wieners coming out of my mouth at designated times each week. I can do it whenever I like and to whomever I like.

Hey...It's Saturday

2007-11-03T15:29:00.000-07:00

I'm bored and wanted to share some penis humor.

Happy Halloween Ragnar, Act II

2007-11-01T14:18:00.000-07:00

If you missed Act I, here it is.
Scene i: Brett Favre's house, around 1:30 AM Halloween night. Brett awakes to the stench of shellfish and stale seal meat. The only reason Brett knows what seal meat smells like is because he has killed seal before. To survive. (Oh and this picture has nothing to do with the story)

Ragnar: (in the pitch black of Brett's bedroom) Wakey. Bretty.

Deanna Favre: Oh God! Who is that Brett?

Brett: Ragnar, is that you?

Ragnar: Maybe.

Brett: I know it's you Ragnar.

Ragnar: OK.

Brett: Good. Now...what are you doing here? Whatever you need...take it...

Ragnar: I need. I need you Brett...

Brett: Well you can't have me Ragnar. You have a wife...a wife who loves you.

Ragnar: She doesn't have what I need.

Brett: What's that Ragnar?

Ragnar: A Halloween costume.

Brett: Halloween's almost over Ragnar. You should just go home and get some rest. Would you like tickets to my game on Sunday? Huh, pal?

Ragnar: BRETT! You aren't listening! (appears from out of the darkness wielding an axe, creeping ever closer) I need a Halloween costume! I need you!

Brett: Ragnar! Stop right there. One more step and I'll have to stop you. I don't want to do that Ragnar.

Ragnar: Whatever you say Brett. Happy Halloween...(disappears back into a dark corner of Brett's room)

Brett: Are you still there Ragnar?

Ragnar: Yeah....should I just go out the front?

Brett: Alright.

Scene ii: Brett's House around 2:00 AM Halloween night. Brett is driven from his dormancy by the screams of his wife and children outside. He looks out his window to see a man lying in his front yard while a yellow and purple van speeds away. Brett hurries to the front yard and sees that the man lying in the grass is missing an arm from the elbow down.

Brett: Are you okay? What happened? Where did he take them?

Greg the Camera Man: I don't know where they're going...Aggghhh! My arm! I tried... I tried to stop him. Ahhhhh! Call an ambulance!

Brett: Good idea, but the authorities will be too slow to handle this situation. I have to save my family myself. (sprints off into the night at a speed unreachable even in his younger years)

Greg: No, Brett! For my arm! (to himself) Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccck this hurts. Ahhhhhhhh....no service! God I wish I had The Network! I just hate that stupid glasses guy sooooooooo much...Uggggggghhhhhh!!!

Scene iii: Outside Ragnar's viking cave. Brett has applied war paint to his face. The cave is surrounded by thick forest. A slew of viking warriors surround the cave wielding axes and other assorted melee weapons. Some say Brett's beard is that silvery color because it is made of steel, like Wolverine but less metro. (Snapple cap fact)

Brett: (to himself high in a tree) When you're pushed...Killing is as easy as breathing.

WARNING: Brett has NO qualms about killing in this video. VERY violent.

Oh I thought that movie was "Brett Favre," not "John Rambo." Anyway Brett kills all those dudes and finds Ragnar in the cave holding his family hostage with an axe.

Brett: (covered in blood) Give me back my family Ragnar. I'm only going to ask once.

Ragnar: I neeeeeeed a Halloween costume BRETT!

Brett: Be fucking Buzz Lightyear!

Deanna Favre: Brett! Not in front of the children.

Brett: Oh, right. Be gosh darned Buzz Lightyear.

Ragnar: I was thinking something maybe a little more creative. You know, a little more original. I was thinking maybe...like a gay NASCAR driver or something.

Brett: Sounds great. Can I have my family now?

Ragnar: Fine. Wait! No, one kiss too.

Brett: You want me to kiss you Ragnar? Hmmmm. If I kiss you will you leave me and my family alone forever?

Ragnar: Yes.

Brett: Fine. (Going in for the kiss he slits Ragnar's throat with his metallic beard. So Snapple cap facts are true!) Happy Halloween Ragnar. (to his family) C'mon guys, who wants some IHOP?

Brett's Children: Yaaaay!

Deanna: I love you honey.

Brett: I know.

THE END.

Applebee's is Officially Solid

2007-10-31T13:16:00.001-07:00

I saw this segment with Kenny Mayne and Marhsawn Lynch about two Sundays ago. I have been waiting for it to get on youtube ever since. Marshawn is awesome. He loves the decor...and the ambience! Yet Willis McGahee wasn't far off when he said the women of Buffalo had broken faces. That lady Marshawn was DanceDanceRevolutionizing with...uuugggghhh. Anyway, moral of the story is...I need one of those soda shooter things.

Happy Halloween Ragnar, Act I

2007-10-31T01:55:00.000-07:00

Scene i: Sanity's Abatement. Ragnar the Viking and Brett Favre conversing mid-field amid the hustle and bustle of post-Monday Night Football.

Ragnar: What an amazing game Brett, hey could you do me a favor?

Brett: Sure thing Ragnar.

Ragnar: Could you keep it on the D.L. that I was here? I just don't want the Vikings to know I was at your Monday Night Football game.

Brett: No problem Ragnar.

Ragnar: Wow, you played incredibly. You just give me so much inspiration Brett. I mean, I totally thought my life was finished after I almost O.D.'d on Flomax. Ever since then I have tried following in your footsteps, you know, I look up to you so much for how you handled your addiction problems (starts to tear up)...I just love...how much fun you have on that field. At your age! Goodness! (starts bawling) I just wish I was like you Brett. You invigorate me...

Brett: Uh...Hey cheer up pal. I'm sure you can deal with whatever it is you're going through. Why don't you go home and see your wife, Ragnar? What was her name...

Ragnar: Bolgmore.
Brett: Bolgmore, that's right.

Ragnar: Brett, you don't understand. I just get so much...pleasure out of watching you play. (glances down at Brett's mouth as he gets closer) I neeed it.

Brett: (backing away uncomfortably) Hey pal, thanks for coming to the game and everything, but I'm going to go now.

Ragnar: (holding on tightly to Brett's arm, so as not to let him leave) NO! Brett! I need you! We need...each other!

Brett: (slips away using his antidiluvian athleticism and sprints to the locker room)

Ragnar: NOOOOOO!!!!!!! (crying on his knees in the middle of the field) You...you were...supposed to tell me....what to be for Halloweeeeeeeeeeheheheheeeeeen!!!!! (throws his head violently back and stares crazily into the sky) I will! I will see you on All Hallow's Eve Brett. Then. Then we will be forever consummated. Our souls in an infinitely bottomless chasm of unalterable love cyclones. I need. A Halloween costume Brett. I neeeeeed it. (quickly grabs his axe and disappears into the huge crowd on the field)

Greg the Camera Man: (having filmed the entire thing) Holy goochbasket. That was the weirdest fuckin' thing I. have. ever. seen. (looking around in amazement) Did...any one else see that? There is no way no one else saw that! (thinking to himself) I wonder what Ragnar's going to do to Brett. I better warn him...just in case Ragnar wants to like...butthurt Brett or something. (jogs quickly to car).

[Act II Halloween night]

A Lost Legend

2007-10-30T01:45:00.000-07:00

Shawn Kemp, Gary Payton, and the Seattle Supersonics during the 90's were a consistently daunting force in the Western Conference. Shawn Kemp used to strike fear in the hearts of opposing defenders. Even Hall of Famers such as Charles Barkley could find no solution to The Reign Man's combination of eagle wings and bear arms.

After losing to Michael Jordan's Chicago Bulls in the 1996 NBA Finals in six games, Shawn Kemp demanded a new contract that wouldn't pay him substantially less than his inferior teammates. After being traded to the Cleveland Cavaliers due to friction with management over contract negotiations things went downhill:
The once tyrannical play of Shawn declined as he lost control of his weight due in part to his addiction to cocaine and abuse of alcohol. Unaware of the existence of birth control he fathered seven children with six different women. He was arrested in 2005 and 2006 for various drug and weapon possession charges. Yet on a lighter note, Shawn Kemp is attempting a comeback and many teams are interested mainly because he is back to the weight of his All-Star days.

Don't think The Reign Man didn't know what he was doing when he went through all those paternity suits:
Ladies and Gentlemen, Shawn Kemp Jr.
Daddy Reign knew that when Shawn Jr.'s NBA contract came around, Pops would get a little on the side.

Weekly Sweet Ass Name

2007-10-29T19:48:00.000-07:00

Dwayne Missouri. Whoa. Truly a name of mythical proportions. While he only had a short stint in the NFL with the Baltimore Ravens and Dallas Cowboys, he blew my mind with one of the coolest names I've ever heard. He's currently probably owning the Arena Football League with his strong will, and merciless attitude towards injustice. He should be a sheriff. "Sheriff Missouri don't take no unpowdered donuts! Feel it?" That's what he says because sheriffs don't have to do much these days other than eat donuts. I wanted to be his deputy but he said "Dwayne Missouri fights the powers of evil bare handed." I believed him.

Oh...yeah

2007-10-29T13:47:00.000-07:00

The Boston Red Sox swept the Colorado Rockies. Only further proving that God loves his irony. The Colorado Rockies are vehemently all over God's Balls. What does the Almighty do to his most devoted MLB team? He gives them a miraculous 21 of 22 games, and an all too holy playoff run all the way into the World Series. The Rockies then proceeded to be blasphemously bible-slapped by the barbarous Boston Red Sox. Great.

What God granted me (and that is really all that matters) is a swift subtle ending to baseball. I truly do thank God for retiring Barry Bonds so that I will never have to watch anything else about his gay homerun countdown. Yes, gay. No more top 10 plays of some fruit basket catching a piece of fruit in a wide open field without anybody else trying to remove his face while he does it (yes I called a baseball a piece of fruit). Now all sports media outlets can concentrate on what is really important: Football. God's Linebacker can finally get all the attention he needs from His Holiness.

You Know! That Man Who Tried to Jump Off The Thing for the Cash!

2007-10-29T02:00:00.000-07:00

The NBA regular season starts tomorrow and although recent NBA seasons/post-seasons haven't been anywhere near enthralling (at least for LA fans), there is something fantastic to look forward to this year. We have all known and loved "Starbury" throughout his All-Star NBA career, yet I'm not sure any of us really knew the man behind the fifteen dollar shoes.

When one thinks of Stephon Marbury, what first comes to mind? When I think of Starbury I think of a selfish point guard who has never been successful in the post season. Imagine my wonderment when I found out he's the craziest person ever to attempt to disguise himself as a rational coherent person who might answer a question with a semblance of relevance.

I believe Stephon has actually found something that allows him to be free of all the external unnecessaries in this world.
That video blows my mind. Everytime. His mind has been cleared and he has to build new memories. Do you know how hard that is? Amazing.

This video is long but if you enjoyed the last one you know what to do.

Boy, I wouldn't have understood a word without that black translator. Although, I could understand the asshat opposite the African-American that was apparantly manufactured in California. They believe he's either drinking heavily before each interview and then seeing what happens, or escaping what most consider reality with methamphetamines or tranquilizers. Probably tranquilizers.

Stephon may not make sense to us but who cares when he says things like "Man, money makes you do crazy things...I'm talking about that man who tried to jump off the thing for the cash." Will anyone ever know what that means?

No matter what anyone says I'm happy for him. I'm happy he can hold back his happy tears when he kisses his namesake. By namesake I mean Stephon, Stephanie, Stephon. His name is like his sister's but his is slightly different because he is a man. A man of God.

This season is going to be great.

The Importance of Being Earnest

2007-10-25T22:38:00.003-07:00

I'm going to be frank for a moment, no not Frank Caliendo, sorry to disappoint. I wish my livelihood was based upon the mimicking of a mentally deteriorating old man.

As I was saying, I have been keeping quiet about this for a while but I know what NFL teams need to do to salvage their seasons. New Orleans is still drowning and San Diego is all on fire. Everytime something tragic happens to a city, the team members fight harder than ever before for the fading memories of their H2's and box-like Mercedes. Not only do I think Marty Schottenheimer's plan to burn down San Diego backfired but I think more head coaches should start thinking outside the proverbial box. Here's some advice for struggling NFL head coaches to utilize this season:

1. Minnesota Vikings: Head coach Brad Childress, crucify Adrian Peterson. Have the entire team turn on him during practice and stone him to near death. Nail his hands and feet to a cross. The city can rally around that. Probably as a bonus he'll come back from the dead and win the Superbowl as the Maroon Messiah. That's Purple Jesus' undead alter-ego. Don't think he doesn't have one.

2. San Francisco 49ers: Keep starting Trent Dilfer until Alex Smith comes back, then everything will be fine. Also, hire a head coach who thinks he's the President of the United States. Oh, wait.

3. Atlanta Falcons: Have Arthur Blank host a banquet for the White People of Atlanta (It's a club) and at the end of their meals tell them they just ate dog meat and that they all probably have salmonella. Somehow this will lead to Atlanta Vick being in Prison Break. That's really all I want, just one episode.

4. Miami Dolphins: Don't go to London. They don't care, we don't care, lets just cancel it before this becomes a bigger deal than it needs to be. Oh, but blow up the Big Ben, that would be awesome.

5. St. Louis Rams: Don't have starting running back Stephen Jackson sign Nike deals with catchy slogans like "Leave Nothing." He might take them literally. (That was actual advice I'm sorry).

6. Cincinatti Bengals: Nice attempt at motivating the players Marvin Lewis, I like the "Black Coach on Crutches" bit. I would go with something a little less subtle. Trick defensive end Robert Geathers into sneaking into Trent Green's house and murdering him. The ensuing arrest will leave you no choice but to really put your foot down on the behavior situation and have Robert Geathers receive the death penalty. I guarantee after you kill one of your players, your team will be tighter than a well tuned battalion of United States marines. Also Marvin, after you kill your player make sure to say "Well that takes care of that." That's what you say after you kill somebody.

I sincerely apologize for everything I have written here.

No More Discord

2007-10-25T22:20:00.000-07:00

My great friend started a blog of his own: No More Discord. It is fantastic. Concomitant with laughter. The Bees Knees even. The first post sets the perfect tone...genuis. I would love it if all three of you would read it. That wasn't a joke. There are literally three of you.

How Well Do You Know Your Athletes?

2007-10-24T02:34:00.000-07:00

When you go to your stadium/field of choice to watch your favorite athletes play you may watch the game with a blissful ignorance of who these men really are. Some of you are more curious, like myself, and would like to know more about these supremely gifted men. If you could know who they really were...are you sure you would want to?

Mark HendricksonMe: Thanks a lot Mark for taking time out of your busy schedule for this interview.

Mark: Hrmph...

Me: Alllright. I'm really looking to find out who Mark Hendrickson really is. Why don't you just start off with some of your hobbies.

Mark: You got any brothers?

Me: Yes, but this interview was supposed to...

Mark: How old?

Me: Thirteen and eleven. I'd like it if you answered my quest...

Mark: Mmmmmmmm...That'll do...Where are they? I'll give 'em an, uhh, autograph, or something.

Me: Uh, are you okay?

Mark: What do you taste like?

Me: I'm gonna go ahead and call the police.

Mark: I wouldn't do that if I were you. I have friends on the force:Me: No. Fucking. Way. I JUST fuckin' watched "Deliverance" too. Goddamnit.

Gee, What a Great Concert

2007-10-23T12:27:00.000-07:00

Homo: Gosh, that Foo Fighters concert sure was amazing. That Dave Grohl sure is one neat guy. The Foo Fighters are amazing because they're one of those few bands that was able to transition from the nineties to the...tens or the 00's, I dunno. You know what I mean Hal Sparks?

Hal: Yeah I know what you mean bro. Transitions like that are tough, like when I had to transition from doing I Love the 70's to I Love the 80's. No easy task bro.

Homo: Golly, I wonder why only the opening band, Metal Skool, wants to hang out with us? I mean I would have loved to hang out back stage with Dave Grohl, but I guess Metal Skool is nice right?

Hal: Yeah, I'm used to hanging out with the opening bands.

Homo: I can't tell ya how much fun it is hanging out with you Hal, you're a riot. I just wish my girlfriend would have come to the concert with us, she loves music. Golly she loves music. Gee. Golly.

Hal: You have a girlfriend bro?

Homo: Yeah! I told you like a thousand times Hal, I'm going out with Carrie Underwood.

Hal: Whatever bro, I'm gonna do some shots of those chicks' stomachs. (To the Metal Skool groupies) Hey Ladies! Do you guys watch VH1?

Homo: I'll show you Hal, I'll show you. Carrie loves me...for me.

Wow You Dumb

2007-10-22T19:04:00.000-07:00

Minnesota Vikings' head coach Brad Childress is a big bald dumb guy. Purple Jesus (Adrian Peterson) ran for 4,578 yards and 17 touchdowns against the Chicago Bears. So what does Brad Childress do the next week in a pivotal game against arguably the best team in the NFC? He be'd sooooooo dumb. He gave the Mauve Martyr the ball twelve times. TWELVE. Our Violet Savior still ran for 65 yards and a touchdown.

Adrian Peterson won't get hurt Childress, 'member how jesus came back at easter? Well...I guess the football season doesn't last that long.

Weekly Sweet Ass Name

2007-10-22T14:08:00.001-07:00

This week's sweet ass name is New York Giants' defensive end Adrian Awasom.With a name like Awasom there is so much potential for greatness, like in this case, that it usually remains unfulfilled. This name has so much power it cannot be harnessed even by a 6'5'' 280 pound man. He's not as awasom as his name indicates. I'm losing touch guys. That wasn't funny.

How to Cheat in the MLB, by Paul Byrd

2007-10-22T12:10:00.000-07:00

Cleveland Indians pitcher Paul Byrd has admitted to using steroids. Here's the steps he used to try and get away with it:
1. Put own head in microwave until pituitary tumor develops.
2. Have dentist prescribe $25,000 worth of HGH.
3. Buy all steroids with own credit cards.
4. Once failure during ALCS is imminent, admit steroid use and hope everybody assumes you weren't cheating because you were doing it so blatantly.

Laser Jesus, This Sucks

2007-10-19T20:28:00.000-07:00

For those of you that don't know, I've been recovering from kidney stones. Eating healthy, and drinking water has not been my motto for the past few years to say the least. I've been to a place of pain that only Laser Jesus can save you from. So if you want nothing to do with the Redeemer of Rays, i suggest water for all of you.

I Am John Edward

2007-10-12T20:26:00.000-07:00

On my flight to Los Angeles I sat next to an older black woman and I saw she was reading ESPN magazine. I’m pretty good at reading people, you know, like that guy who talks to peoples’ dead relatives? Anyway, like that guy I deducted that she must have had a son in the NFL or something. Here’s how our conversation went:

Me: So, do you have a son in the NFL?

Her: What? No…

Me: Oh, really? That’s too bad.

Her: I guess.

Me: (Pointing at advertisement for “The Amazing Race” in her magazine) Have you seen that show? Isn’t it about white people?

Her: No. That’s racist.

Me: Oh, really? Yeah I guess.

That’s what I hate about people nowadays. People are so hypersensitive to race. What should I have said? “A show about Caucasian people?” What a bitch.

Tom Brady Has Really Hot Girlfriends

2007-10-10T23:15:00.000-07:00

Tom Brady really is a dreamboat. Stunningly flawless. A Bastion of Bashful Beauty. Have you seen his GQ? He's gorgeous. Probably Jesus. I'm not even gonna talk about his quarterback play. You can't pass this good in practice.

[With Leather]

My Face Hurts

2007-10-10T17:41:00.001-07:00

Brett Favre is Greatest American Ever, Honored with 4th Amendment

2007-10-10T15:14:00.000-07:00

Brett Favre being made out of eagles feathers, american flags, and a dash of rubble from the Twin Towers, could no longer be denied an amendment in the Constitution. Since the Patriot Act already took care of the fourth amendment, why not put America personified in its place?

When asked what he thought about being written into the constitution Favre responded, "E Pluribus Unum." Scholars are working on the translation. Apparently Favre can speak Freedom, a language rumored to only be spoken by Captain America and Paul Revere.

Don't take my word for it, take MIMS' and you'll see why Favre is hot.

On the Lap of Uncle Etan

2007-10-10T04:04:00.000-07:00

Etan Thomas, power-forward/center for the Washington Wizards, is one of the few political activists/athletes that were so prominent during the '60's and now can't seem to be found anywhere. Etan is a real man. Lebron James says he wants to be the Muhammed Ali of this generation, but if he's gonna be half the man Ali was he should start taking lessons from Etan.

Every now and then I'm going to post a sample of Etan's poetry because it's real:

"Now I look upon my culture,
I see ballers, sure I do
Hard corers in Haute Couture, in furs
Enough to make my ancestry - stir"

Weekly Sweet Ass Name

2007-10-10T02:10:00.000-07:00

In this weekly post I'm going to post a name of a professional athlete that I think is either hilarious or badass or both. I thought I'd start off with one of my all-time favorite NFL names: Todd Herremans, offensive lineman for the Philadelphia Eagles.
His cause is only aided by the fact that he went to Saginaw Valley. Nobody messes with a big hairy guy from Saginaw Valley. Especially when his name gives the illusion of there being more than one.

Single Greatest Music Video in the History of Videos and Music Combined

2007-10-10T01:31:00.001-07:00

Oh my god. I don't watch the kids' MTVees these days and i don't know if this is old news to everybody but I saw this video for the first time tonight and all I can say is Great. Great job to whomever was in charge of making this video. Great job world. Great job.

Stephen "Crazy Captain" Jackson?!?!

2007-10-09T23:10:00.000-07:00

I was watching a Warriors vs. Lakers preseason basketball game (I know, I know, but it was a tuesday night and there was nothing better on. Would you rather I'd watched A Shot at Love? (I did watch that)) with my man D "Hot Fire" Money and I noticed a lack of craziness in the Warriors frontcourt. I then realized that perennial crazyman Stephen Jesse Jackson wasn't in.

After a quick wikipedia search I found out that the same man that played no small supporting role in the "Malice at the Palace" is now the CAPTAIN of the Golden State Warriors. What's next? Are people going to start having sex with animals?

Vick's Doing Well For Himself

2007-10-09T22:31:00.000-07:00

Some of you may know that Former Atlanta Falcons' Quarterback Michael Vick hasn't had the best year of his life, and by some of you I mean mom. So mom, Michael Vick now could owe the Atlanta Falcons $20 Million.

I guess I'm gonna be an AFL fan around 2012 when Vick gets out of jail. I hope he goes to the Los Angeles Lake...Tacklers was it? Anyway, a tip of the emo bangs to you Ookie, your life sucks more than mine, something I never thought could happen.

How It All Started

2007-10-09T16:33:00.001-07:00

I got the title of my blog from this gem of an interview with All-American Badass Marshawn Lynch.

What did he say when she asked him to define his attitude? "Beast Mode?" You never fuck with a guy whose attitude is in Beast Mode.

Marshawn, you can't just take what she said in the question and use it as your answer. You learn that when you're little and you have to do those dumb definitions where you're not allowed to use the word you're defining in the definition. Elementary stuff Marshawn.

A Little Paralysis Humor Anybody?

2007-10-09T02:53:00.001-07:00

Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett had a spinal injury placed upon him while playing tackle football and while there is nothing funny about that, there is something funny about this...

I know this video is kind of old but it is pure gold. You thought it was a miracle huh? Me too.